Zerglings For Dummies
by Wanderlust
Summary: Ever wanted one of those cute, little, Zerglings as a pet? Read on. (Chap 3 is up! Rated PG thanks to Chapter 3) UNFINISHED, next chapter will probably be up in a few decades.
1. Procuring your Zergling

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Zerglings For Dummies

A Guide to Having A Pet Zergling

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Chapter One: Procuring Your Zergling

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No, Zerglings are _not_ found at your local PetCo. You will have to find one yourself. 

  
  


The best place to find Zerglings is the world Zerus, where the Zerg Strain originated. After the Overmind was destroyed, all control that it had over the world was lost. As of yet, no one has reclaimed them. You can gain control of a Zergling with a Psi Emitter, a Dark Archon, by asking Kerrigan very nicely, or a little Tender Loving Care.

  
  


**CAUTION**:_ TLC is the most dangerous way to get a Zergling (Other than mailing Kerrigan with a looong E-mail address. Like blahblahblahblah478903475380475@ a.b.c.d.e.f.mail.net.com.org.edu. She _**hates**_ those). If the Zergling is in a bad mood, well, being dinner is not a good thing. I would recommend hiring out Arcturus Mengsk, he can loan you a few cheap Psi Emitters when he's not trying to take over the Sector._

  
  
  
  
  
  


**TLC for a Zergling**

  
  


Step 1: Notify your next of kin.

Step 2: Head for Zerus.

Step 3: Find a cute little Zergling hopping around.

  
  


Now this is the hard part. A Zergling's favorite food is raw flesh. Beef or autopsy remains (Zerglings are **_not_****** dogs, Puppy Chow will not tame a Zergling) will work well for capturing a Zergling. Simply take a nice slab of meat and place it in front of the Zergling. He will look at it and sniff it like the cute little mass murderer he is. He will then take a small bite, as a taste.

  
  


Unless your meat is tainted with Mad Cow Disease (fortunately, Hoof and Mouth does not affect Zerglings) you will have a fat little happy Zergling. **_Make _******sure**_ it is totally full and can't eat another bite. If it isn't, the bite will be out of your left arm._******

  
  


**READ THIS FIRST:** _Zerglings require near-constant nourishment. When balancing your budget, please note that it will cost you about a steak a day to feed your Zergling. Thankfully, no housebreaking is needed, as Zerglings do not expel waste. Their amazing metabolisms can process anything you give it, even titanium._

  
  


Now, get out from your hiding place. The Zergling will look at you, intrigued. It should be full and not hungry. Now point to yourself and say your name. Slowly. Point to it and say its name. (See Chapter 2 for Naming Your Zergling) Slowly. Now take out another slab of juicy meat. Point to you. The objective here is to get the Zergling to understand that you are responsible for the food. Then go away.

  
  


Continue repeating this step, yet give it a little less meat each time. The Zergling will follow you for more. Eventually, it will follow you in to your ship. Ta-da! You have a Zergling. Give yourself a pat on the back.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Composing a Letter to Ms. Kerrigan**

  
  
  
  


Here is a sample letter. The analysis will be at the end.

  
  


Dear Queen of Blades, Sarah Kerrigan:

I have noticed the beauty of the small creatures known as Zerglings. I have fallen in love with them, to be honest. I am writing this letter to humbly ask you for one as a pet. It will not be used against you. In fact, you have many Zerglings. Would you really miss one? Not only would you no longer have to feed it, you would have one less name to remember. I am willing to pay a lot of minerals for it. 

I am very excited about doing business with you.

  
  


Sincerely,

Neville33

  
  
  
  
  
  


Analysis:

_"Dear Queen of Blades, Sarah Kerrigan:"_

Kerrigan likes this title, and is very proud of it. She is very happy when she receives fan mail and she is addressed with this title. 

  
  


_"I have noticed the beauty of the small creatures known as Zerglings. I have fallen in love with them, to be honest."_

Never cease complimenting Kerrigan. She loves flattery. But don't overdo it! Kerrigan is not the mushy type.

  
  


_"I am writing this letter to humbly ask you for one as a pet."_

Remember, Kerrigan likes to think of herself as a real Queen, not just the Queen of a bunch of bloodthirsty, yet cute, creatures. Address her as one.

  
  


_"It will not be used against you. In fact, you have many Zerglings. Would you really miss one? Not only would you no longer have to feed it, you would have one less name to remember. I am willing to pay a lot of minerals for it."_

State the reasons why it would be a _good_ thing for her to give you a Zergling. Offer minerals and give her the upside of having one less Zergling.

  
  


_"I am very excited about doing business with you."_

Flattery yet again.

  
  


Don't forget about long e-mail addresses.

  
  


Arcturus Mengsk's e-mail address is [KorhalKicksAss@SOK.org][1]

  
  


Ask any Protoss about the Dark Archon. They'll tell you all you need to know.

  
  


_A/N: More coming soon. Enjoy, and especially review. Don't forget about my author profile._

  
  


_E-mail address._ [MadSleeper33@aol.com][2]

   [1]: mailto:KorhalKicksAss@SOK.org
   [2]: mailto:MadSleeper33@aol.com



	2. Naming your Zergling

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Zerglings For Dummies

A Guide to Having a Pet Zergling

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Chapter Two: Naming your Zergling

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So now you have a Zergling. It needs what all pets need: A name! Here is a list of possible pet names, and which would work for a Zergling

  
  


  * •Rover: No
  * •Goldie: No
  * •Fido: No
  * •Puss: No
  * •Mittens: No
  * •Spot: No
  * •Tabby: No
  
  


As you see, such sweet, traditional pet names don't work. Here are some other names.

  
  


  * •Hannibal: No
  * •Murderer: No
  * •Blood-claws: No
  * •Murdalizer: No
  * •Mutalisk: No
  * •Butcher: No
  * •Homicidal: No
  
  


Overly vicious names don't work either. Imagine you try to introduce your Zergling to someone. "Hi, I'm Jim, and this is my pet Zergling, Slaughterer."

No, I can't see it either.

  
  


So therefore, you need to find some kind of "middle ground." Try naming it after someone you know, like a bloodsucking ex-wife or ex-husband. George W. Bush would work well, doesn't that sound like a perfect name for your Zergling?

Depending on your character, you could name it anything from Mini-Me to Bill Gates. It doesn't matter. But for the duration of this guide, we will name your imaginary Zergling: Newt Gingrich.

  
  


_A/N: Stay tuned for Chapter 3, Zergling Basic Training. Don't forget to review and check out my author profile._

  
  


_My e-mail address is: _[MadSleeper33@aol.com][1] _Feel free to e-mail me there!_

   [1]: mailto:MadSleeper33@aol.com



	3. Zergling Basic Training

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Zerglings For Dummies

A Guide to Having a Pet Zergling

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Chapter 3: Zergling Basic Training

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The number one rule for Zerglings is: Don't Eat People!

  
  


Yes, having your pet eat people is quite a social blunder. You should take as many steps to avoid it as possible. Be a responsible parent.

  
  


  * •Spank your Zergling hard when he maims or eats something you don't want him to.
  * •Scratch behind your Zergling's claws when he does something good.
  * •Make sure you have your Zergling do his homework. You want him to get good grades, after all.
  * •You can -- and should -- help your Zergling with his homework if he's having trouble. On the final is a killer math problem that you should make sure your Zergling knows how to do. That addition can be harsh.
  * •Teach your Zergling to review my stories.
  
  


Zerglings don't defecate or urinate like we humans do, so thankfully, housebreaking your Zergling is not a problem. But Hydralisks....no, Hydralisks can really be evil when it comes to Mom's carpet...

  
  


Zerglings For Dummies has created and is marketing the patented ZFD BiscuitLing™, a Zergling biscuit similar to a chew toy. This will keep your Zergling's claws and teeth occupied, so they're not used at the wrong place in the wrong time. (You don't want your Zergling to be jumping on the bed whimpering for food while you're about to have sex, do you?)

  
  


Zerglings should also be taught to be a good watch-ling. An excellent way is to set up a trap near your door which will bathe the thief/burglar/whatever in meat juice. Teach your Zergling to attack that smell.

  
  


You can phone for information at the e-mail address [MadSleeper33@aol.com][1] or at the phone number 1-900-TELE-SEX. Or review. Questions may be published in the next chapter. You can also e-mail or call for information about the BiscuitLing.

  
  


_--Neville33_

   [1]: mailto:MadSleeper33@aol.com



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